T/N: Help me out with errors. Man was this a lot of TCM stuff. I suspect the author dabbled too much in this stuff when he was researching for his book, or it’s his family legacy.
The next day, Li Yundong prepared to go to class with the courage of a martyr. He did not expect that the little fox, upon hearing he was going out, charged out of the bedroom and grabbed hem of Li Yundong’s shirt. “I want to go too.”
Li Yundong did not know whether to laugh or cry. “My little grand aunt, I finally gathered enough courage to go to class. If you go as well and get seen by people, won’t I get laughed to death? Hurry up and let go. If you need this up, I won’t even have the courage to go to class today.*
Su Chan puffed her cheeks and angrily said, “If someone dares to laugh at you, I’ll teach them a lesson!”
Li Yundong was both vexed and amused. He patted Su Chan’s head. “Be a good girl and wait at home. When I get back from class, I’ll bring you something good to eat. Hmm? Your braids didn’t get messy at all despite sleeping?”
Su Chan tilted her head, avoiding Li Yundong’s hand. She kept a death grip on the corner of Li Yundong’s shirt. “No. I only want to go with you.”
Actually, even Su Chan was not clear on why she wanted to follow this fellow no matter what. Perhaps, it was because in this unfamiliar mundane world, the only person she was familiar with was this fellow who ate her Human Origin Gold Pill.
Extremely lacking a sense of security, the little fox refused to let go no matter what. She kept shaking her head no matter how Li Yundong persuaded her.
Li Yundong felt helpless. After letting loose a long sigh, he shouted out like a hoodlum, “Fine. Your mother! Who cares what other people think! Picking up my own girl… cough… Walking my own path, letting other have no girl… cough cough, letting others have no path to walk! Right. Let’s set off. To the gallows!”
On the way to university, Li Yundong saw many couples along the way heading from their off-campus housing to university. The girls were like little birds relying on people; the guys acted like they were treasuring fragrance and jade. Of course, occasionally there were guys who were like little bird relying on people too.
Li Yundong also wanted Su Chan to lean on his arm too. He wanted to hold onto her waist in turn. However, he was afraid to expose his inner lecher, which might scare off the little lady.
Li Yundong looked back at Su Chan incessantly the entire way. She tightly followed behind him, walking where he walked, her hand still gently attached to the corner of Li Yundong’s shirt, like a child who refused to grow up.
Watching her display, Li Yundong laughed out involuntarily.
Enter the university’s gate, Li Yundong and the little fox immediately attracted a lot of attention. The male students looked toward the little fox with eyes full of amazement. Occasionally, they looked at the ordinary looking Li Yundong with faces full of envy. In their hearts, all of them cursed, ‘How can this kind of beauty be with that kind of fellow? How is that fellow better than me? Hateful! Shameful! Despicable!’
The female students only briefly glanced at the little fox. In their hearts, they were also cursing, ‘That little fox, that fox hussy, even though she already looks so sexy, she’s still showing off!’
However, the gazes of those girls fell more often on Li Yundong with hearts full of curiousity.
In what manner is this man exceptional enough to attract the attention of such a beauty?
In the past, there was a phrase. To judge a man’s ability, look at his rivals and enemies; To judge a man’s character, look at his friends.
However, in truth, women are more willing to believe: to judge a man’s ability and character, look at the woman by his side.
The ability of the man if reflected in the level of the woman beside him.
But in what way is this fellow’s ability exceptional?
Formerly, they only heard that this fellow was the confession emperor. In a single year, he received twenty-one nice guy cards. This was an unprecedented record in Tiannan University’s history.
If he were truly excellent, how did he receive twenty-one nice guy cards in a row?
The female students could not figure it out no matter how they speculated. They were aloof creatures, so they would go up and investigate this matter. Of course, the more important reason they stayed away was due to the little fox at Li Yundong’s side.
The little fox wore a red dress cut in ancient fashion, as if she were a beauty that walked right out of a period drama. However, her clothes seemed to fit her in a way that everyone felt appropriate, as if she was supposed to wear this kind of clothes, classical yet glamorous.
Walking through the campus, Li Yundong finally encountered the thing he dreaded the most.
“Ha, isn’t that the cucumber emperor from yesterday’s class?” These were students from yesterday’s class who recognized Su Chan and Li Yundong. They started laughing uproariously.
Even Li Yundong whose face could be called as thick as a wall on the average day, could not help but feel fiery hot as if he had a fever. He simply tensed his neck and ignored everyone. In his heart, he harrumphed with all his might, ‘Don’t you guys actually want to be me who enjoys this kind of luck with women?’
The surrounding students did not understand what they were talking about, so they inquisitively asked around. Those students who normally did not have anything better to do patiently explained to the rest, as a result everyone quickly understood, “Oh. So he’s the guy ranked number one clicks from the student forums, the cucumber emperor?”
‘Your mother, how come it’s the student forum again?’ Li Yundong thought frantically on the inside.
“Hey, Li Yundong, is the cucumber delicious? Did it lower your heat?” a male student shouted out. The surrounding crowd howled with laughter. The most annoying part was that the female students laughed louder than the male ones.
“Ha ha, cucumbers can lower heat. That’s truly a nice fantasy!”
“I’m going to die of laughter. To think cucumbers can lower heat. In the future, if the great me heats up, a couple cucumbers and I’ll be OK!”
Li Yundong listened to these voices. The corners of his eyes twitched, “Your mother, calm, I need to stay calm! They’re just jealous of me, definitely!”
If it were just laughter, then it would have been fine. However, these farm animals** acted as if they were watching a show while buying soy sauce*** and followed Li Yundong and Su Chan teasing them the entire way.
When they reached the school building, there were actually three layers on the inside and three layers on the outside surrounding them. Li Yundong was bursting with anger. “Screw. Do these guys know when to stop?”
However, he could not do anything to them, so he could only grit his teeth and bear it.
Su Chan who was on the side saw Li Yundong’s predicament. Her eyes spun and she recalled another bit of wisdom from her master, “If you want a man to forever remember you and appreciate you, then at the time when he needs help the most, you can step up and shield him from wind and rain.”
Thus, Su Chan flipped out.
An incensed Su Chan with her hands on her hips charged to the front of the male student who was laughing the loudest. She sized him up.
The male student was not very tall. His appearance was rather handsome. A pair of elegant eyes**** attracted the fondness of many girls. When he saw Su Chan heading toward him, he had assumed his fortunate encounter with the opposite sex had come. He promptly displayed what he thought was his best smile.
However, once the little fox finished sizing him up, she grabbed his wrist and started to check his pulse. After checking his pulse for a bit, she grabbed his cheeks with one hand and commanded, “Open your mouth!”
The male student, with no idea what was going on, opened his mouth subconsciously.
The little fox gave it a glance. Then with a chilling smile, her words hit him over the head, “Your complexion is moss white. Your tongue is abnormally red. Your pulse is weak and thin. Your eye sockets are sunken and darker than normal. Your eyes are dull. Your lips are pale. While your hair is glossy and bright, your eyebrows are sparse despite your youth. Do you know why?”
This male student was rendered stupid by the little fox’s spiel. He idiotically asked, “W-Why?”
The little fox answered in a loud voice, “This means you have enormous deficiency in kidney yin.”
This male student suddenly felt the little fox’s words were not so friendly. With his face completely red, he asked, “What deficiency in kidney yin? What does that mean? What nonsense are you blabbering?”
The little fox made a loudspeaker by cupping her hands in front of her mouth and said, “It means that your kidney is deficient! Kidney deficiency! Do you understand?”
Those words were to fierce. The crowd became noisy, collectively exploding into conversation.
The focus of the audience moved from Li Yundong to that guy with the kidney deficiency. Their gazes made his face turn a purplish red.
That male student felt all of his blood go to his head. His head felt dizzy, as if he were going to faint. Stuttering and stammering, he said in a hoarse voice, “You’re slandering me! Y-you’re the one that’s kidney deficient! I’m young and vigorous, how can I have kidney deficiency?”
The little fox sneered and said, “Young and vigorous? Have you heard that those who drown in the river all know how to swim and those who fall off horses are all heroic men?***** You rely on your youth to engage in excessive debauchery. Did you have sex with a woman yesterday? And you performed the act many times, right?”
Sex! Performed many times!
Each phrase was fiercer than the last.
The crowd collectively exploded like nuke. Their gazes toward the kidney deficient student gained some degree of shock and admiration.
The kidney deficient guy did indeed engage in sex with his girlfriend and he found release multiple times. Having his activities accurately deduced by the little fox, his heart clenched and he had difficulty breathing. With a roll of his eyes, he actually fainted.
“Hauu! Emergency! There’s an emergency!”
The soy sauce* party started an uproar. They wanted to get closer and get a clearer picture. However, Su Chan with her hands on her hips gave a loud shout, “Everyone stand still!”
When everyone heard, they all stood still.
The little fox crouched down and pushed the kidney deficient guy’s Renzhong acupoint. A moment later, the kidney deficient guy slowly woke back up.
Su Chan stood up. Then her eyes swept across the crowd, finding a tall and sturdy male student who wore long pants and long sleeves. She quickly headed towards him.
This male student saw Su Chan walking toward him. His heart started beating violently, not because he foresaw a fortunate encounter with the opposite sex, but rather out of fear. He was afraid this little beauty would diagnose a kidney deficiency for him too. Then he would not want to live anymore.
Su Chan walked to the front of this male student and told him, “Stretch out your hand.”
This male student rushed to hide both his hands behind his back. His face full of terror as he replied, “No!”
Su Chan said, “Then open your mouth instead!”
The male student hastily closed his mouth tight as if he wished he could use thread and needle to close up his mouth surgically. His head shook like a rattle.
Su Chan gave a cold smile and said, “Do you really think I have no way to deal with you?”
With those words, she reached out and twisted the guy by his shoulder, turning him around forcefully so that his back was facing her.
The little fox found where the second lumbar vertebrae stuck out on the guy’s back. Using her thumb, she pressed down on the position 1.5 inches beside his Mingmen acupoint******. She loudly asked, “Does it hurt?”
This male student thought to himself, ‘Even if it hurt, I wouldn’t dare to tell you. Moreover, it doesn’t hurt! The most important part is that I don’t bloody know whether or not it should hurt!’
Thus, he stubbornly decided that he would not answer no matter what, as if he were a martyr dying for the cause.
However, a single sentence from Su Chan made him change his mind.
Su Chan said, “You’re not going to answer, right? Then don’t blame me if I give you a random diagnosis!”
The male student was astonished. He hurried opened his mouth and said, “It hurts. It hurts a lot!”
Su Chan thought to herself, ‘I pushed your kidney acupoint and you said it hurts. Do you think I’m an idiot?’
The little fox was furious, “Tell the truth!”
That guy immediately replied, “It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt!”
The little fox testily stated, “Does it hurt or not?”
That male student feeling as if he had been wronged replied, “It didn’t hurt a while ago but now it hurts from you pressing it.”
Su Chan gave a gold snort and loosened the pressure slightly, “How about now?”
The male student had been tormented by Su Chan enough to cooperate. He honestly replied, “It doesn’t hurt, but there’s a slight soreness and pressure.”
Su Chan proceeded to test several other acupoints on the body, asking how he felt. Finally, she said, “You aren’t sleeping well lately. You feel dizzy and sometimes you experience tinnitus*******. Your waist hurts, you’re afraid of the cold and your extremities tend to be cold. Are these your symptoms?”
The male student opened his mouth wide, “H-How did you know?”
Quickly, he trembled for a bit. Then he looked towards the little fox as if begging for mercy. “I-I don’t have deficiency of kidney yin, right?”
The little foxed snorted, “Of course not. You have deficiency of kidney yang. It could also be called kidney deficiency!”
As expected, it’s still kidney deficiency! The crowd gave a sorrowful sigh.
The yang deficient guy with a face full of tragic unyielding will shouted out, “I don’t have a girlfriend. I-I’m still a virgin. How can I have kidney deficiency!”
The little fox sneered and said, “Who told you virgins can’t be deficient in kidney yang? You definitely stay up all night on a constant basis. Flipping day and night. This causes a shortage of yang qi in your body. Even though you’re tall and sturdy, your face is pale white like a girl!”
Yang deficient guy was scold by the little fox to the point of breakdown. The surrounding soy sauce party members exploded like a helium bomb, especially since they just saw a big sturdy man get handled by the soft and delicate looking little fox as if he were a little lamb. They were incomparibly dumbstruck.
The little fox place her hand on her waist, pointed at the yang deficient guy and said, “From now on you need to sleep on a normal daily schedule. On a normal day, you can also eat kidney-qi-tonifying pills.”
Then she pointed to the kidney deficient guy who was still in a daze on the ground staring at the sky and said, “You, from now on, you need to engage in less intercourse. You can also follow “New Compilation of Materia Medica” and use sheep lung and winter melon soup to nourish your body. If you patiently take care of yourself, then you can naturally make a complete recovery.”
Once she was done, the little fox raised her head and looked at the soy sauce party members. She loudly said, “Now, is there anyone who doubts cucumber is cold in nature, refreshing of taste, and can lower internal heat? If you don’t believe me, you can step up!”
The crowd was awed. They all stepped back.
Who would dare doubt!
This grand aunt could diagnose a kidney deficiency for you and then how would you keep living on this campus?
The little fox had her hands on her waist. Since no one dared to respond, she coldly snorted and said, “If you’re ignorant then don’t speak nonsense. In ‘Everyday Materia Medica’, it is recorded that cucumbers can deal with heat in the chest, dry mouth, and burn wounds. In ‘Diannan Materia Medica’, it is recorded that cucumbers can solve spasms and heat poisons, and clear out thirst and vexation. In ‘Truth Seeking Materia Medica’, it is recorded that cucumbers are cold and refreshing, with the ability to rid heat and promote the circulation of water!
“All medical books state that cucumbers are cold and refreshing with the ability to pacify heat. You people are unlearned and incompetent, using your own ignorance as a source of amusement. I’m ashamed for you guys!” the little fox criticized in a loud voice. She scolded the surrounding students so harshly that each of them were shame-faced and speechless.
Among them, there were some that felt the little fox looked young and could not be more than fifteen or sixteen years of age, how did she know so much?
The little fox saw the doubt in the crowd’s eyes. She ran back to Li Yundong at once. Holding onto his arm, she giggled and said, “Yundong, just now was I right or wrong?”
Li Yundong had long since blanked out. He stared blanked unable to regain his wits. When the little fox shook him arm, and made signals at him with her eyes, he finally managed to respond, “Ah, Ah! You were completely right! Mmm, very right!”
The little fox smiled like a flower. She was like a little bird relying on someone. Where did the girl who valiantly reprimanded everyone with hands on hips go? She giggled and said, “This is all thanks to you teaching me well!”
“Oh?” The crowd grew noisy once more. Their doubtful gazes fell upon Li Yundong.
‘Li Yundong knew traditional Chinese medicine? It doesn’t look like it? Perhaps, he is hiding his abilities without showing anyone?
‘Mmm, that was a possibility. Otherwise, how could an amazing little beauty follow him? En, en, it’s very possible!’
While the crowd was still skeptical, they did not try to pick a quarrel. What if they get marked as kidney deficient by the little fox?******** Is that not like carrying the lantern to find the latrine, to find shit? What man can endure? Even if they exclude the men, what woman could endure!
The little fox noticed that the crowd was still watching, while whispering in each other’s ears. She once again straighten her back and left Li Yundong’s side. With her hands on her hips, she loudly said, “What are you still standing here for? If you’re not convinced, you can step up. If you’re convinced then hurry up and leave. Or perhaps, you want me to give you guys more check ups?”
The crowd buzzed and immediately scattered like birds and beasts.
Only the yang deficient guy and the yin deficient guy were left behind along with bunch of their friends.
The yin deficient guy was lifeless for along time. Suddenly he jumped up and hysterically shrieked, “The great me does not want to live anymore. The great me is going to Foxconn!*********”
He clamored for while, but none of the people around him responded. He could not help but look back and angrily state, “Hey, why aren’t you guys stopping me?”
These guys laughed loudly, “Why would we stop you? If you want to seek die, then go!”
The yin deficient guy furiously roared, “If the great me is dying then I’m dragging you guys along!”
When he finished speaking, someone pointed at the yang deficient guy and the yin deficient guy and said, “You two, one is yang deficient and the other is yin deficient. If you two engage in relations. Yin and Yang can compliment each other. From then on, there will be no deficit. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? It’ll be a legend passed far and wide at Tiannan university!”
With those words, everyone present regardless of male or female started laughing so hard they swayed back and forth. They laughed so hard that they nearly died.
*little grand aunt – basically my ancestor, my master, someone of the higher generation. Just like ancestor plaque from a while ago, this is someone that the speaker can do nothing about. E.g. “My little grand aunt, please spare me. I really need to finish my homework,” said the university student who was pestered to go shopping by his domineering sister.
** Shengkou – beast of burden: used as an insult in china for people who follow their instincts like animals, so generally dumb people, lazy people, lechers, and generally people you don’t like, they get labeled Shengkou. Chusheng is pretty much the same thing.
*** buying soy sauce – it’s none of their business; just passing by: From my understanding (didn’t research so it’s vague), there was this news program doing a live interview about this huge issue and then they interview this guy who showed up, expecting some opinion. But the guy had no idea of what’s going on, because he was just there to buy soy sauce. So he held up his soy sauce and said, I’m just here to buy soy sauce (dajiangyou, lit: hit the soy sauce).
**** Taohua Yan – Peach Flower Eyes: Basically eyes the shape of peace flower petals or something like that. They’re like phoenix eyes but less extreme.
***** Basically people tend to overestimate their own abilities. Someone who is overconfident in their swimming or riding ability tends to get themselves killed doing those abilities. Amateur can survive by being careful.
****** Also known as the life gate acupoint. I’m never going to translate the English names of these acupoints, while I may translate certain well known meridians. If you want to find out more, you can always google. Earlier we also had a Renzhong or something acupoint, it’s basically that depression above your lip and it’s supposed to help regain consciousness.
*******It is a medical condition where you hear ringing in your ears or in your head when there is no real ringing.
******** Should have explained this earlier but kidney deficiency is like impotence. Shameful for men.
********* Foxconn is a company in China known for overworking their employees… to death. A bit exaggerated but they do have inhuman work schedules and conditions.